Boundaries – I Don’t Like Them, but I Need Them

My gorgeous husband Ken (and I).

3 Simple Boundaries I Recommend in Your Marriage and Home.

Imagine this: A man gets home on Wednesday evening after being at his church music team rehearsal. It was a tense evening with some personality conflicts. The man was a gracious guy—pretty laid-back—but when he arrived home, he was clearly frustrated and had to get it off his chest.

His wife had just finished putting their two young kids to bed and was exhausted after a long day of work: organising tea, bathing the kids, and getting them to bed. She had just sat down on the couch with her cup of tea when he entered the front door.

“Hey hun, how was rehearsal?” she asked, as he put his guitar case away and flicked the kettle back on.

He made himself a cuppa, grabbed the chocolate biscuits, and threw himself down on the couch to download and debrief with his wife, as most couples would do.

He told her how rehearsal was a “shemozzle.” Some of the music was missing, so one of the singers had to search around the office to find the correct sheet music. The sound tech was late, and the team had to wait to get the sound desk turned on. The worship leader didn’t have their music prepared, and they weren’t sure how to lead a couple of the songs. The sound tech was grumpy and a bit gruff with one of the young singers who was just starting out. Because the worship leader wasn’t clear about how they wanted things to run, the band leader and the worship leader were struggling to communicate and make decisions.

On the couch, tired and frustrated, he said things like, “It really isn’t good enough,” “They can’t keep turning up late and getting away with it,” and “The sound tech can’t talk to people like that.”

The conversation went on for quite some time. They chatted about the culture of the team. They talked about some of the different individuals and how they were doing their best, considering the personal circumstances they were dealing with. They diagnosed where some of the problems were stemming from, and his wife encouraged him to try to forget about it. “Bad rehearsals usually mean a great Sunday,” she said.

As they got ready for bed, they continued to chat and debrief. They hopped into bed, kissed each other goodnight, rolled over, and fell asleep. 

Well—he did, anyway.

The wife tossed and turned for hours, replaying all they'd talked about over and over in her head, becoming more and more anxious about everything that needed to change.

You see, his wife was the worship pastor. She was the one responsible for the health of the team, the rehearsals, the administration, team members' commitment. She was responsible for fixing those problems and having the hard conversations.

This was her work. And her husband was just a team member, simply debriefing with his wife after a tough rehearsal.

But the harmless debrief for him sent her nervous system into overdrive—right at bedtime. How can she be the wife, his safe person to debrief to, AND the worship pastor?

This story was ME.

This was my life.

This is the challenge for many pastors: all our worlds overlap—family, church, work, faith, friendship, marriage. The list goes on. It can feel completely out of our control. But it’s not.

There are small things we can do to feel more in control. Boundaries aren’t just about turning your phone off or not reading emails after 5 p.m. 

For pastors, our boundaries need to be far more nuanced.

Here are three boundaries I recommend in your marriage/home:

1. Never talk about church/work in bed. 

Just don’t.

It’s hard, and we don’t always get it right, but once the PJs are on, that space needs to be safe and comfortable. The marriage bed is for sleeping and….. well, you know what. When so many spheres of life are already blurred, let’s NOT allow the marriage bed to join the list.

2. Get changed. Literally—get changed out of the clothes you were wearing. 

I began doing this, and it was transformative. When I got home from a meeting, I’d get changed before sitting down with my cup of tea. I would come in and say whatever I needed to get off my chest, answer the “How was your day?” or “How was the meeting/rehearsal?” question, and then I’d get changed.

I’m a verbal processor, so this is hard. I need to debrief my day verbally. This practice of getting changed would help me keep it short. Once I’d said what I needed to, I’d say, “Okay, I’m going to get changed.”

That sentence signalled to both myself and my husband that I was shifting into Sally mode—Sally the person, the wife, the mother. Not the Pastor.

3. Set a time in the evening when you stop. 

At whatever time it is, at that time, stop talking about church. This is harder than people think, especially when your friends go to church and your social life is caught up in church life.

But it can be done.

It just takes practice. 

In our home, I found this boundary worked best when it was combined with number 2—some kind of physical routine helped my brain shift gears.

Set the boundary ahead of time. Don’t think that you will be able to know when enough is enough. I suggest picking a time in the evening after which you don’t engage in work or church-related conversation. For example, after 8 p.m., no more church talk.

This helps others in the home know when they CAN talk to you about church related issues. Perhaps you are not married, but you live in a share house with others from your church. A boundary like this gives permission as much as it sets a boundary.

If you say to those you live with that you’d like every night after 8pm, your home to be a safe place from any church issues to be discussed, what you are communicating is that before that time, you are available. 

Boundaries, when verbalised, communicate availability as much as unavailability.

Remember: boundaries facilitate connection—they don’t hinder it. This seems contradictory, but I assure you it’s not.

Here’s why I hate boundaries but know I need them: I like to be available to people all the time. I want people to seek me out for support and know that I’m here for them. But the reality is—when I see my phone ringing, or I read a text message—I feel an underlying sense of resentment, because I’m too exhausted to engage.

I then forget to reply or let the phone ring out. Not being who I want to be for that person. The person they deserve. I then feel guilty and battle negative talk about who I am and that I’m not doing enough. 

I don’t like boundaries. The word itself makes me uncomfortable, and implementing them makes me even more uncomfortable.

But what I dislike even more is that feeling of resentment and guilt toward those I love and towards myself—because they’re calling me when I have nothing left to offer, or expecting me to engage in a conversation about my workplace at 10 p.m., and then I can’t sleep.

I’d rather experience the discomfort of setting a boundary and showing up well for that person than the resentment and regret of not showing up well, or at all, because I was too exhausted.

Do YOU have boundaries that you can articulate? If you don’t, you need to. Don’t wait for that feeling of resentment or until you can’t get to sleep at night.

Reach out via the form below or send me an email.

I’d love to support you in establishing boundaries that enable you to show up well for yourself and those you lead and love.

2 Corinthians 9:6-8

Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.